darulmaarif.net – Indramayu, 28 April 2026 | 07.00 WIB
In the midst of the rapid flow of information and digital lifestyles, parents’ decisions to send their children to Islamic boarding schools often do not go smoothly. Not because children are not intelligent, but because they live in very different times. Their world is a world that is instantaneous, full of entertainment, and minimal boundaries. When suddenly you have to deal with discipline, rules and collective life at the Islamic boarding school – it is natural for children to reject it.
This phenomenon is not an isolated case. Based on a national survey on education and parenting patterns in 2025, around 57% of children aged 12–17 years admitted to feeling anxious or afraid when they first planned to enter an Islamic boarding school or boarding school. The main reasons are varied: fear of being away from people
old (68%), worried about not having friends (52%), afraid of not being able to freely use gadgets (49%), and worried about new, unknown environments (44%).
These figures show one important thing: children’s rejection is not just “defiance”, but a psychological reaction that needs to be understood.
Why do children refuse Islamic boarding school?
Before looking for a solution, it is important for parents to understand the root of the problem. Child rejection generally arises from the following factors:
Fear of separation (separation anxiety)
Fear of separation (separation anxiety) is one of the most dominant factors that is often hidden behind children’s rejection of Islamic boarding schools. For children who grow up in a strong emotional closeness to their parents—especially their mother—separation is not just a change of residence, but feels like losing a source of security.
Home for them is not just a physical building, but a space of warmth, a place where they are understood without much explanation. When he has to leave it all behind for a long time, real anxiety arises: who will listen to his complaints, who will comfort him when he is sad, and whether he will be able to go through the day without the presence of the figure he has been relying on. In a psychological context, this condition is very normal, especially in children who are not used to being independent or have never experienced long-term separation.
National survey data in 2025 even shows that children with high levels of family closeness tend to have greater resistance to the boarding education system. It’s not that they don’t want to develop, but are still in a phase where emotional attachment is the main foundation of their stability. Therefore, the approach needed is not to break this attachment suddenly, but to manage it slowly.
Children need to be reassured that this separation does not mean loss, but a learning process to grow. That distance does not erase love, and that parents are still present—albeit in a different form. In this way, fears that initially felt oppressive can turn into a little courage to take a step.
Negative Stigma about Islamic boarding schools
The stigma about Islamic boarding schools is often formed not from direct experience, but from fragmented stories, viral videos, or narratives circulating among friends. Some children imagine boarding school as a harsh place, full of punishment, with minimal freedom, and far from fun. This image was not born out of thin air—it grew from an exaggerated slice of reality without context.
In a case study featured in the 2025 boarding education survey, a junior high school student in West Java—let’s call him Rafi—strongly refused when his parents planned to send him to an Islamic boarding school. He admitted that he was afraid because he often saw content on social media that showed corporal punishment against students, as well as stories from friends who “he said” should not do this or that excessively. In his mind, Islamic boarding school is a space that is confining and scary.
However, after a persuasive approach, Rafi’s parents invited him to visit one of the modern Islamic boarding schools in person. There, he saw an atmosphere that was much different from what he had imagined: students studying in a relaxed but focused manner, afternoon sports activities, interactive book discussions, and even special time for developing interests such as language and technology. Slowly, his perception began to change. What he initially imagined as a “place of punishment”, instead he saw as a “place of formation”.
Cases like this show that negative stigma often arises from distance—information distance, experience distance, and understanding distance. When children only receive one-sided images without clarification, fear becomes even greater. Therefore, it is important for parents to present direct experiences and a more complete narrative, so that children do not judge Islamic boarding schools from images that are not necessarily true. Because quite a bit, after getting to know each other better, that fear turns into curiosity—even interest.
Dependence on home comfort and gadgets
Dependence on home comfort and gadgets is no less a big challenge in the process of adapting children to Islamic boarding school life. At home, almost everything you need is available instantly: food is prepared, clothes are washed, rooms are always tidy, and entertainment can be accessed with just one touch of the screen. This lifestyle unconsciously forms a comfort zone that is difficult to leave. Children are used to a flexible rhythm, without strict disciplinary demands, so that when faced with structured Islamic boarding school life—waking up early, study schedule, queuing, sharing space—strong resistance emerges.
Dependence on gadgets strengthens this condition. The screen is not only a means of entertainment, but has become an “escape room” when children feel bored, anxious, or uncomfortable. In many cases, children who are used to spending hours on gadgets will feel a big loss when this access is limited at Islamic boarding schools. They not only miss home, but also miss the instant sensation that has filled their days.
Lack of communication from the start
Lack of communication from the start is often the invisible root of a child’s rejection of Islamic boarding school. In many cases, the boarding school decision has been “cooked” in the parents’ heads, but has never really been discussed with the child as the party who will carry it out. Children are suddenly given information—some are even taken straight away—without room to ask questions, understand, let alone convey their feelings. Situations like this easily give rise to a feeling of being unappreciated, as if one’s life is being determined without oneself. The reaction that emerged then was not just rejection, but also disappointment and emotional resistance.
This is where the quality of communication determines the direction. Parents who are willing to listen—not just talk—will find that behind their child’s resistance, there is anxiety that can actually be bridged. Because often, what children need is not a change in decisions, but a change in the way they convey it. When communication is built from the start with empathy and openness, decisions no matter how big will feel easier to accept.
Overcoming Child Rejection Without Coercion
Dealing with children who refuse to enter Islamic boarding school requires a wiser and more humane approach. Here are some effective strategies that can be done:
- Build Dialogue, Not Instructions
Instead of immediately saying “you have to go to bed”, try opening a space for discussion. Ask what scares him. Listen without judgment.
Children who feel heard will be more open to receiving input.
- Introduce Islamic Boarding School Gradually
Invite your children to visit the Islamic boarding school, see the environment firsthand, meet the students, and feel the atmosphere. Direct experience is much more powerful than just stories.
Many cases show that children’s fears decrease drastically after they see the real reality of Islamic boarding schools.
- Tell Real Stories, Not Just Theory
Children are more easily touched by stories than by advice. Tell stories of successful Islamic boarding school alumni, or stories of students who found their identity in Islamic boarding schools.
This helps children build positive associations.
- Reduce Dependencies Gradually
If your child is used to gadgets and the comfort of home, do “small exercises”: limit the use of gadgets, teach independence, and get used to living by the rules.
Slow transitions are more effective than sudden changes.
- Involve Children in Decision Making
Let the child feel in control. For example, give a choice of boarding school, entry time, or program of interest.
A sense of ownership will reduce resistance.
- Build Emotional Trust
Convince children that Islamic boarding school is not a “place of dumping”, but a place to grow. Emphasize that parents are still present, even if not always physically.
This emotional support is very crucial in the initial phase.
Islamic boarding school is not just a place, but a process
It is important to understand that boarding school is not just a matter of changing residence, but a process of character formation. There, children learn to be independent, disciplined, appreciate time, and deepen spiritual values.
However, this process will not run optimally if it starts with pressure and coercion. Children who enter Islamic boarding schools because they are forced to tend to experience more difficult adaptations, and are even at risk of experiencing stress.
On the other hand, children who enter with awareness—even if initially doubtful—will find it easier to grow and develop.
Between Parents’ Expectations and Children’s Feelings
Every parent certainly wants the best for their child. Islamic boarding schools are often chosen as a way to shape morals and a better future. However, on this journey, there is one thing that must not be forgotten: children are not objects of decisions, but rather subjects who have feelings, fears and hopes.
Guiding a child to boarding school is not a matter of how quickly he leaves, but how ready his heart is to take the step. Because in the end, the best education is not one that is forced, but one that grows from awareness.
And perhaps, that is where the real success lies—when the child no longer feels “sent”, but chooses to “walk”.
Hope it is useful. Wallohu a’lam.
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